Are You Really Sexy??

I belong to one of those massive Health Clubs that has members in the thousands. One advantage of this extravagance is that it has separate lady’s and men’s gyms, steam rooms and hot tubs. It also has a restaurant and, wow, valet parking, like you can’t walk from your car to work-out. Truly chic and upscale. What I can’t figure out is why we go to "upscale" gyms when the thought is to "down scale" (for me at least ten pounds more.)

I’ve just lost ten pounds and I want to lose another five. I should be happy now with that ten pound loss, but I want to fit into really neat clothes as I prepare for my next trip this Winter. If I had my druthers I’d just want the tummy tightened and the arm fat lessened. As we ladies know, at my age the tummy can be tucked, but the arm hangers are a killer.

No, I will NOT have painful and unnecessary plastic surgery. The only person I would be kidding would be myself. Besides that I love to grin and say "Of course," when I’m asked, "Are they real?"

Anyway, there I was having lunch, the "natural" salad, i.e., no dressing just lemon, minding my own business when over walked Lily. Now, Lily and I have met around the club. She’s 28, about five foot six, boobs in the Seven Thousand Dollar range, blonde from the bottle, ultra thin and well, she's really sort of nice. Oh, yes, Lily is a "Porn Star." By the way, I’ve always wondered why are they always "stars?" Why aren’t there any "porn extras?"

She looked down at me and said, "Do you think I’m sexy?"

I thought for a moment, looked her up and down and replied, "No," returning my attention to my salad. Shit, she was wearing a white t-shirt with her nipples showing through. It was at least one size too tight. Her shorts exposed everything and she had on come-fuck-me shoes.

Lily plopped herself down at the table, unasked, of course, "Why?"

"Lily, the reason you are not sexy is that you are a fake. You prance around here thinking you’re something special. You’re rude to everyone. You’re nose is always up in the air. What have you got to be so snobby about? Hey, honey, reality check, you fuck for a living! You probably fuck by the script and come across stiff and boring. If you want to be sexy you must learn to be nice to people, to enjoy sex, and I don’t mean look like you enjoy it, but actually enjoy it."

I held up my hand, fork, lettuce and all, "Please, don’t tell me about your deprived childhood or that you were abused. I won’t believe a word of it. Why? Because you wouldn’t have asked me the question if there were any extraneous reasons. Besides that you’re making a fucking fortune humping guys in the movies."

"Oh, yes," I continued, "Sexy includes dressing sexy, not looking like a tramp or a two dollar hooker." I stood up, took Lily’s arm and pulled her over to a nearby mirror. "Look at yourself! Who the fuck wants to see your nipples all the time or your ass crack or your pussy line. Jesus, girl, get a grip. You look like a fucking street whore. At least if you want to look like a porn star, look like a quality porn star. But you sure don’t look sexy. You may look sexual or like an easy lay, but you don’t look sexy in the sophisticated and true meaning of the word."

I dropped her arm, returned to my seat and started in on my crappy salad.

Lily looked at me with a glare that could kill. "I saw you at The Palm last weekend and you looked absolutely fabulous. The guys we were with said that you were super sexy looking and then they fumbled over whether we were sexy looking. Do I really look like a tramp?"

"Lily, sit down and let me eat my salad. Now, what, besides your seeing me, brought this on? Honey, you’re great looking with a super figure, what happened? Truth, now, I can see through a con job a mile away."

"Carla, I’m 28 and, yes, I'm a tramp. I know that, nobodies kidding nobody. Hell, I may be a "porn star," but you’re right, I screw for a living. I just get paid better then a Two-Dollar whore. Carla, I am not dumb. I know me. I’m now looking to the future and I don’t want to wake up one morning and actually be that tramp. That’s my biggest fear. I want to meet someone. I want to get out. But, I’m no fool, I’ll always be a porn actress, it’s like a big tattoo across my forehead. I just want to see myself a little be more mature.

"..... and, yes, admission number one – Every man who takes me out wants nothing more then to be seen with me and then to fuck me. I am not an idiot! I ooze sex or as you would probably put it more bluntly, I ooze fuck. ..... and, yes, you’re right, I know it, I’m not sexy, I'm slutty. I need a quick lesson in sexy and maturity."

Hey, I can’t arge with that. Here I am, Miss 55 Years Old, and I’ve got this young chick with the boob job and the botox forehead asking my advice. I did the same about 25 years ago and look at me. Should I help her or tell her to go scram? Well, you know the answer, I called my cousin, Terri, and we made plans!

I have a very simple definition of "Sexy." The dictionary and I tend to agree. Sexy is all attitude, I've said that before. But sexy includes the peripheral things that go to make up the whole package. Sexy is not showing your breasts through a wet t-shirt, sexy is not huge cleavage, sexy is not see through dresses, sexy is not leaving anything to the imagination, sexy is not having lost your virginity, sexy is not talking dirty and cussing on the streets, sexy is not looking like a tramp, and, most important, sexy is not buying expensive little outfits on Melrose Avenue. Look at it this way, we all know you fuck - Why advertise it?

I'll tell you what sexy is. Sexy is wearing a full length dress curled around your neck and no clevage. Underneathe that dress you wear a push up bra that mounds your boobs, but doesn't show them or your nipples. That's sexy. Sexy is smiling and laughing at your dates jokes. Sexy is enjoying yourself and making him feel like a king. Sexy is being smart. Sexy is not being dumb. Sexy is reading a newspaper so you can talk about current events. Sexy is not being boring. Sexy is always being a lady. Sexy is not letting a man go to bed with you on the first or second date.

Sexy is never, ever cursing or using bad language. Being "one of the boys" is really not very sexy or smart for that matter. Now, there is one exception to the being a lady and not using bad language rule. When you have decided that tonight's the night and you're finally going to bed the man then, when you're in the car after dinner and pulling away from the restaurant, you can turn to him with a really nice smile on your face and say, "Honey, take me back to my place. I want to fuck you!"

This accomplishes two things. First it let's him know that he's got a tiger by the tail and two, he'll be so surprised he'll cum in his pants. That way when you do hit the sheets he won't cum the instant you start working him over.

Caution - Only do that if you want to "fuck." If you want him to make love to you, well, be a bit more subtle.

Follow my rules and you will be considered "SEXY!" You'll also be considered smart.